Austin Ellis Hesse - Online Memorial Website

Dear Austin and family:

As the days turn in to years the love and the missing of you doesn't go away!  Leann Walker and I speak often of you!  We smile and think of all the times in class together.  This world missed a great deal when you left it.  We send love and happy memories of our times together. 

Love, Barb and Leann

First off,  thanks to Grandma Regan and to mother Jill...

I am a child of the 60's...  between the lies the government fed us about Viet Nam and drugs my generation rebelled.  We draft doged and did every drug we could find...  I'm not making excuses,  just stating fact.

I seemed to be doing ok until my mother died at the young age of 57...  I was 42.  Mom had me when she was 15 in 1953.  My step father (who was worth about 10 million $$$) and his greed cheated me and my siblings out of my mother's legacy...  I found meth...

Within a few years,  I was living on the streets...  no dignity and NO TEETH !  In and out of jail,  no money and no place to go.  There was a stretch of 10 years where I never saw my only son (9-19).  During my downfall,  I lost one daughter to foster care (mom was "dirty") she was taken after I delivered her in a cheesy motel.  My baby never came home from the hospital.  To this day I haven't seen her... (12 years)  someday I will.

One year later,  I had another daughter with the same gal.  She was still using...  I couldn't bare to lose another child to the system...  Baby Moma checked herself in to a "halfway house" (sober living) and delivered the baby clean...  That was 11 years ago...

My daughter and her mother just left yesterday after visiting me on Christmas...  I stll have yet to see my other daughter,  but I know someday I will.  Oh, BTW,  my son graduated from UCLA two years ago.  Although I wasn't allowed to attend his graduation ( at my ex-wife's prompting)  I have re established my relationshp with him and feel like the luckiest man on earth.

Meth is a brutal drug that takes no prisoners.  It has no regard for race,  sex  or the quality of the person involved...  My heart goes out to Grandma Regan and mother Jill...  I was lucky,  I survived... 

I'm so sorry for your loss...  Austin's legacy live's on...  Only now, he is doing his work from heaven.

Im Neto, 35yo. I found drugs 10 years ago and the meth. I used to be brilliant, proactive, full of hope. Today I'm battling to survive. I'm in recovery for over a month now. By reading the story of your son, I have found strength to carry on in my journey. Next week be 9 years since my mom died. She would be dvasted to see what her son has become. I'm want to be clean, I want to rebuilt my life. I want to be able to helpwot her people who are lost in the arms of the white devil

Think of you so very often dear Austin.  You were a bright spark many days in our class.  I cherish your mom's friendship a great deal.  She has been a incredible help to me in my hours of overwhelming sadness and grief.  There is not a day that she doesn't think of you, how wonderful you are, and how much she wishes you were here to spend life together.  My love to you my friend.  Barb Peavey

I came across this page today on accident but glad i did. Austin was a childhood friend of mine that i always think about. I saw the good in his heart and knew his amazing abilities as an artist. I remeber the day i heard of his death and still have the newspaper clipping from the Dewitt observer. I was and still am saddened at the way this happened and will never forget about him. I cried the day i found out, I cried when i read the article in the paper and his letter to 'crystal' really hit home with me,and I cried reading this website and looking at all the pictures. I remeber him coming back to Iowa after he had been living in Arizona with his dad and he came to see me in Wheatland and it was the sunshine in my gloomy day whenever I saw him he always put a smile on my face. I have never and will never touch the horrible drug that helped claim his life but i will always be aware.  I love you Austin and miss you know that i think of you often and one day we will meet again. Until then my friend.     I never saw the end in sight, fools are kinda blind, thought everything was going alright but i was running out of time. Cuz you had one foot out the door,I swear I didnt see. but if youre really going away heres some final words from me...Baby write this down take a little note to remind you incase you didnt know,Tell yourself i love you and i dont want you to go,write this down. Take my words and read em everyday,keep em close by dont you let em fade away so youll remember what i forgot to say write this down. I'll sign it at the bottom of the page, Ill swear under oath cause evey single word is true and i thnk you need to know. So use it as a bookmark,stick it on your frigerater door, hang it in a picture frame up above the mantel where youll see it for sure. Baby write this down take a little note to remind you incase you didnt know tell yourself i love you and i dont want you to go write this down. Take my words and read em everyday keep em close by dont you let them fade away. So youll remember what i forgot to say, Write this down. You can find a chisel,I can find a stone.Folks will be reading these words,long after we're gone.Baby write this down take a little note, to remind yourself in case you didnt know.Tell yourself i love you and i dont want you to go write this down. Take my words and read em everyday keep em close by dont you let em fade away so youll remember what i forgot to say, write this down. Oh I love you and i dont want you to go..BABY WRITE THIS DOWN!

It's almost the 4th of July Austin. My birthday is the 3rd. So many memories of the summertime. The sparkle in your eye I miss so.

Merry Christmas my dear angel Austin. I miss you and love you so much. I don't go through any minute, any hour, any day without thinking of you. I know you are at peace my dear son and I know you are with me in spirit. Forever in my heart and soul. I love you!

By chance alone, I found my way to this site. I am a mother of four who tries desperately every day to educate my children on the dangers of drugs. My greatest fear for them is they will fall victim to drug use. Last summer, I started drug testing my oldest and any of those she was friends with. She has lost some "friends" because of this, but my daughter is safer because of it. I cannot explain why I am here with you now, but I find it remarkable that you and I share the same birthday, July 3rd. Know that you and your sons are in my thoughts. I am fighting this battle with drugs right beside you. Take care.

Merry Christmas Austin! We love you and miss you so. So many christmas memories of you, your smile, your love, your heart. Cuddles, cinammon rolls, hot cocoa. You are forever in our hearts.

Austin, I want to talk to you, I want to hug you, I want you here. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think about you and wonder why... I miss you so my son. I love you so much and you are forever in my heart and soul.

My dear Austin. Tomorrow is August 24th, 3 years ago you left this life and became a dear angel in heaven. I miss you so very much my son. A day doesn't go by that I don't hold you tight inside of me. I miss you and love you so very much. I cry so much and want you here to try to help you again. I continue to fight the war on meth for you my son.

Today is Mother's Day Austin and I my heart aches to hold you. I miss you so much my son. Your love is forever inside of me and your spirit will guide me and help me through these tough days. I love you so very much Austin

1. i miss you very much austin. i just had sugery on my shoulder from the 2003 motor cycle crash iam still young and will recover 100%. iam still battling with the fingerprint board. it should not be a crime to help put a drug pusher behind bars. helping the coconino county sheriffs dept arrest the meth pusher bobby. iam continuing my education in the health-care profession. and the road next to my house is named after you.still have your dirt bike and all of our memorys. love dad.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son and I cry with you and your family.  I have been reading these letters and stories on that site, where you posted Austin's link, and all I can say is wow.  I am not a drug user and I don't know anyone that uses meth, but I can tell you that I am trying to educate myself on what's out there.  I have a 3-year-old son that I could not imagine losing and I just want to say that you are such a strong person and I am glad that you are reaching out to others who NEED help.  Unfortunately the horrible truth is that only THEY can help THEMSELVES.  You almost just wanted to (and I'm sure you have had these thoughts) lock him away in a room and hope that all this passes and that he goes back to the same person you knew and of course still love.  But I guess you can only control so much of what they do and you have to trust them to make the right decisions.  I was also looking at the pics and I can't tell you how much my heart hurt for you, Jill!  You can see the many faces of love and happiness that he brought to this world and that at one time very long ago he was an innocent boy that was unaware of the terrible temptations that this world had hidden away.  It makes me so mad to think that this drug is made out of cleaning agents, battery acid, etc.  I mean come on, who created this devil drug and why are our kids dying from things they were not allowed to go near when they were little.  Now, they are ingesting this substance and the effects are so inhuman.   I also believe that the laws should be changed for those who deal and make this drug.....if nothing else, they should be tried for murder because they are killing their spirits and then finally their very existence. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you continue to spread the word about this evil drug. My heart and thoughts are with you and your family! 

Purple roses fill your vase at the cemetary Austin. Beautiful as you are. Your love is forever planted in my heart and soul. God Bless you my son. I miss you so.

April 12, 1984 you were born Austin. Today you would've been 24 years old, that's so very hard to believe. I cherish all the memories of our love for each other. How birthdays were so special with the cake and candles, the friends and family and a special meal made just for you. I send you love and ask you to give me strength in not being able to hold you today and everyday. Stay within in me until the day we hold each other again.

As time passes Austin, your brother is growing older and looking so much like you. We love you and miss you so very much.  Continue to give me strength to fight this drug and to reach out and help others. Continue to look down on your brother and shine knowing that you have a special piece of his heart. Next month you would be 24 years old. I pray for your peace everyday and for my peace in knowing you no longer suffer. God bless you my son.

When will this drug stop killing our children?  Meth Can and DOES KILL!! I am so sorry for your loss.

Anyone who needs help with meth addiction or just has questions, please visit my forum at:  http://meth-kills.com/forum/

Thank you so much for sharing ur memories I am a recovering drug addict I have been clean for 2 years it has been a very long and hard struggle i didnt do the rehab program or the meetings i was strong enough to do it on my own. The drug almost took everything good out of my life I feel very lucky to have a family that never gave up on me. I am slowly getting to know myself again and Austins story really inspires me. My heart goes out to u and ur family and i hope u can reach as many ppl as possible before its too late for them. U will be in my prayers always ty so much for makin this web site i know it will help alot of ppl again thank u so much

Always Amanda

Today is September 8, 2007.  1 year tomorrow Austin we had a beautiful funeral service for you.

Today, we walked in your memory in the 1st annual Walk for Hope. Daniel ran the 3 miles for you. I didn't think I could walk the entire 3 miles with my health, but I was successful, I felt you there with me. Your picture on my heart. You are forever in my heart and soul. 
I love you Austin and miss you so.

 

Today is August 24, 2007.

1 year ago today your pain ended Austin.

I miss you. I miss all the times we've laughed. I miss you getting mad at me because I always had a positive outlook on things and I would always tell you how strong and beautiful you are and that problems are only temporary. I miss everything about you. The kind gentle man you were when drugs didn't control you. The true Austin is one so beautiful.

I continue to pray for your peace and for me and your brother to find peace in knowing you no longer suffer.

I love you Austin.

I miss you Austin!

Today, July 3, 2007 is your mom's 47th birthday!

You never forgot to wish me Happy Birthday.

I love you so much Austin!

Below is a series of emails. Talks with my dear friend Cathy in Oklahoma. May God lift Casey up and may Austin's spirit help guide Casey. May God give my dear friend Cathy strength.

My friend, you have saved many with yours and Austin’s story. Some you will never know, some you talk to everyday. (Me)

I have faith in Casey and that he will be the man he was meant to be. I hope he takes your gift you have given him and

Does with it what he is suppose to do. But even if he makes the choice not to. You have helped me.

I truly reached out in the darkest hour of my life and God sent me to you. I had almost given up, really I was so desperate

To save my son and so afraid that I wanted to just go to sleep and not see the crash that was coming. I am not a quitter never have

Been but I was in way over my head on this one. I saw this person before me that I did not know, this demon that said he was Casey,

This thing that lied to me, stole from me and that is not even the worst part, he did not know my love or even want it.

 I could not and did not know how to fight for him or even to keep myself together long enough to do it.

 

It was you and Austin that gave me strength. All the hours you have spent e-mailing me through things that could make any mother

Cry let alone someone who has lost their son to meth. Having to relive all of this

I am sure it was so hard on you, and yet you stayed in there, you fought for me and Casey.

When I did not have the strength to fight. Your words and knowledge helped us so much. You being honest with me and

Loving enough to tell me the truth with everything, even when you thought I was messing up, but understanding when I did.

I know we (my family and I ) have not done everything that needs to be done, but we have tried.

Like I said I am not sure how things will turn out with Casey, but I do know he would not even be

here today if not for you.

I could not ever repay you or words can never express my gradatited for what you have done for me and my family.

Your  work is not done yet , with Casey or with any others along the way. Fight on my friend, for all the moms, dads, sisters and brothers that

go into this without knowing what weapons to take with them. Remember I am there for you any time you need me.

 

As soon as Casey gets an e-mail account I will give it to you. So for now lets just pray things work out for Casey. Lets hope one

Day when we are old we can sit back in a rocking chair both of us watching our grandkids and say you know Casey took Gods grace

And Austin’s sprit and became the man he was meant to me.

Hugs my friend.

 

 

 

 

I'm crying too my friend.

Thank you for being you and helping me.

If I can help Casey by this letter or Austin in spirit, then Austin death wasn't in vain.  Just to save 1 person, will truly be an accomplishment for me.

 

Hugs my friend!

 

From: Herman, Cathy [mailto:Cathy.Herman@dvn.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2007 8:55 AM
To: Jill Sell
Subject: RE: A letter for Casey

I am truly speechless!

What a powerful letter! I hope Casey gets the depth of this letter you wrote him.

Your love for him and Austin is so very clear and powerful in it.

Thank you my friend for being their for us during all of this.

Let us pray that Casey hears your words and breaths them in.

Much love, I am crying so hard I have to go wipe my face.

You’re a gift from God, Thank you my friend. Thank you.

 

 

 

Please read it my friend.

Jill 

I printed it and will give it to him.

I have not read it, did not know if you wanted me too or not.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday to you Casey!

I know we've never met, but I feel a closeness to you through your mom.
Although you don't know me, I want you to know that I pray for you and your happiness every day.
You remind me so much of my son Austin.
You have a chance to make your life happy, to love yourself to put everything in your past behind you and move forward. Making the difference today.

Your mom shared with me that you are leaving for Kansas today to be with your daughter and Mandy. You have a job interview tomorrow. As I always do, I will pray and wish you the best with your new venture in life.

I want you to take Austin's story with you. If you haven't visited his memorial website, please do.
www.austin-hesse.last-memories.com
Let Austin's story give you the strength to make life happy for you Casey. To know that life situations happen to everyone. To know that drugs aren't the answer to any problems, they just create more problems.

I believe that I have generated so much energy and thoughts of you and have shared that with Austin in spirit, that Austin is watching over you to help you in your life.

You will be 24 tomorrow, let that be the beginning of the life of Casey!  Please remember something. You are who you are. Don't do things in your life to try to please others. Drug use is an easy way out for people who feel that they have let others down in their life, when in fact it's the drug use that is the cause of the problems. 

 

I feel you are a strong young man and you have your entire life sitting and waiting for you to start. Your daughter Camille is beautiful. Take that beautiful daughter to lift your world up and know how much of a great person you are and how great of dad you will be to her.

I did everything to try to help Austin. Austin felt for years that he let everybody down. It was the drug use that let us down. But the drugs was his way of making himself feel better for the moment. The cycle of drug use, feeling good, feeling bad, needing more, feeling depressed, feeling sorry, sickness from not having the drug.  He used to get so mad at me because I was always so positive and trying to give him hope. Telling him not to dwell on the past, but to start today to make the difference. Meth took total control of Austin. He didn't even know the person he had become anymore. His life was controlled by meth, the devil drug. He couldn't find an escape from meth's grips. I believe that if Austin didn't try meth that 1st time, he would've been able to overcome his addictions to other drugs. Meth is what killed him.

I'm sending you a giant hug and lot's of love and hope for today to be the start of a happy life for Casey. A life that makes Casey happy.

If you ever need to talk to me, please don't hesitate, I will be there for you any time, any day… Below is where you can reach me during the week. Home phone is 563-285-9476, cell phone is 563-508-1954, work phone is 1-800-383-5446.

Please hold Austin close to you for support.
From your Iowa Friend,

Jill M. Sell 

Dear Jill,

 

Thank you for sending me to your site for Austin.  You replied to a drug forum about my husband & his addiction.  Just looking at the pictures & reading the pages, I feel like Austin is right here with me telling me 'it's not Joey, it's meth'... 'don't give up on him, but don't give in either'...  I'm doing my best to be strong for my boys & your story helps.  I won't give up on Joey, but I do know I can't let Meth kill our family either.  Please know that you are an inspiration to me & I will continue to use you as hope that one day we will be free of this devil!  You are in my prayers... keep us in yours!!  God bless you... 'hugs to you'!

Dear Jill,

  I am so sorry for your loss. My family has lost my brother to heroin and are left with a hole in our worlds that I am sure you and your family feel also. Drugs of all kinds are always killers no matter what they are. Meth or Heroin they both kill and leave the families with unanswered questions, guilt, blame, and a loss that will never be replaced. I feel your pain. I once heard someone say that drugs are victimless crimes but I quickly interruped them to say I beg to differ the user is hurting themselves but they are also hurting thier family and all those that love them so how can you say that is victimless??? My brother left behind a beautiful daughter so we are thankful that we have her in our lives. To all the users on here please beaware that you are a person that deserves to be clean and no matter what you may have done in your past there is always a new day to start out clean and try to break the habit. I am sure there are people that love you and want nothing more than for you live anotherday. Today is my bothers birthday he would be 32 if he didn't die at the age of 30. God Bless you and your family Jill my heart cries for your loss. My brothers site is on here also it under chavera if you ever want to look .